I have thought long and hard,
whether to write about this or not, especially when what I have to say has much
to do with another person and his life. I wouldn’t want to damage a life that
is not mine. Had it been my life I could have risked it, but not with another
man’s life. But then what I had to tell had its own significance and due
importance in my life that I just had to write about it. Otherwise it would
just be an injustice to myself and my blog which has always sincerely housed by
dark secrets and flamboyant triumphs alike. And then I decided I had to write
and write such that no one is hurt but so is my heart poured out and emptied.
When it happened to you, I was
happy that it was not my life, but now when it had happened to me I see no path
that will cover my speedy escape, no path fast enough to run away from myself.
It has happened to me, but how often does it happen to one? How often does it
happen that some one whom you have so far placed in a castle of gold and ivory
in your mind has just fallen short? How often does some one you so dearly love,
you so idolized just does something really stupid? How often do they with that
one action, annihilate a lifetime of memories? It’s cruel, it’s demeaning that
such would happen, but isn’t life cruel and unforgiving to begin with.
It has now happened to me, it’s
not my first time but so far they were people who had not touched my life in
flesh and blood, so far they have been the ones that had the limelight shine on
them, the ones that owned the celluloid and the ones that roamed the green
fields. Its one thing that such surreal people blinded by fame be idiots by own
making, but it’s an entirely different matter that someone so real, so close,
so kith and kin do what that can but be termed ‘stupid’. The facts of the dark
be lit by no more light because there lies no pleasure in opening wounds that
has decided to heal just on the surface even after so long. But its never the
moments of thoughtlessness that causes the real harm, it’s the grueling hours
that you are left with yourself, its unforgiving and heartless in torture, the
grueling in hell!
But after long hours and after
many a sunrises and sunsets when I finally got back what bit was left of my
broken mind in order, though the damage was done the one person I could not
bear to forgive was myself, not after all that I could have done and I did not,
not when I have turned it around many times in the many replays of life I
lived. But then I asked myself, how and why did this happen? What is it that
one thing that changed in life so fast? May be I was too sure, too soon. But
was I fair, fair in placing all those responsibilities on a person’s shoulder
without his consent, fair in believing that someone will keep the promises that
he had not given. The truth is I do not know, there a part of paining head that
begs to kill him and another part that despises no one but myself. the truth is
I don’t know.
I had to write about it, its life
and it never takes its turn for your liking. It plays hard and fast, it always
has and it always will. Always so full of lies, lies there, lies here, lies
everywhere. Its such a shame that we live a life full of lies, may be just may
be life is just another lie, a lie that we all believe to be true, a lie we
believe on convenience alone. Isn’t it shameful or I am just still in a haze.
What ever be the state that is mine, the ugly fact is that when the gods do
fall and when angels die it’s never a pretty sight to behold. It’s a rape, a
rape of the human mind and the mirage of trust.