No matter what you wish and how hard you think, there are times you inevitably end up making a mistake. What can e done about that? It just eats you up and consumes you in regret and despair. The whole thing is a much bigger mess if someone else has to pay for your mistakes, when someone else is the bearer of your ineptness. Furthermore it is devastating when they decides to be noble it. Frankly I wouldn't mind being bashed and abused, because I know I made that mistake and I deserve to be shouted at. You can never get to forgive yourselves for the stupidity that you have displayed. You curse yourself for not thinking thoroughly and not making sure that the little details were right.
You do not know how down and lowly I feel now, may be do. Whatever be the case it wouldn't hurt anyone by me making it clear can it?
Every time I think about this ordeal, I think I have not learned my lessons yet. I did what I did because I thought at that moment that I was saving them from a potentially disastrous decision but all I did was make them do another blunder that the previous one. All my decisions where based on my belief that I had actually learned something something from my own previous bad experiences, but now I know I was wrong and I was wise enough to make those decisions. I might have acted in haste and might have not thought out the whole plan of action carefully. But the truth is I do stand by my primary decision, the reasons for the action I took was valid but what I did as a result of it and in order to correct it then was actually not the worst of choice.
Fate or whatever it is called has made me regret those decisions that I was proud of making at the the time I made it. The circumstances changed and all on a sudden the decisions that I took looked almost short sighted, not just almost, almost completely short sighted. And these decisions cost some of my friends dearly and that is what affected me mostly and disturbed me. I look almost deranged and lost.
I know this all sounds confusing and muddled and illegible and incomprehensible, that is only because I feel like that and my mind in a state of muddiness.
May be I just have to come clean and own it up, I do not know whether it will absolve me of the responsibility I feel about this whole business. But at this point I feel that writing a couple of cheques would make me feel better whether they accept it or not.
I hope I do not regret this one.