How strange that I write this
today, when all I see is darkness and I am tired, so tired of searching for the
light and hope. I am doomed, I fear my own words and I fear the death of myself
by my own ideas. Its not but strange that a few days ago I was blossoming in
the comfort of the illusion of security and permanence that I have woven. But
now in seconds they have disappeared and I am staring at nothing but darkness
all around, I can hear memories sneak up me from directions unknown, I am
afraid, really afraid.
A couple of day ago, I got a
call, a call that has turned my world into a mess. From the precipice of luxury
I plunged into a feeble being plagued by misery and fear, I can’t neither think
straight nor respond to a door bell without being paranoid. It has come back,
It has come back to avenge me, the lies, the secrets. My past has come back, a
past that I have worked so hard day and night to forget, The nightmares that I
have consciously abolished with sleepless nights and pills that I shall not speak
of again in my life.
It is not strange, I should have
expected it, I should have known better. I should have known that it will come
back and haunt me again and again no matter how hard I run. The initial impulse
is always to run, But now I know no mountain is high enough, no oceans wide
enough to keep me from myself. I am my worst enemy, a nemesis that will not
heed until truly defeated. I have to take action, I have to face him, I cannot
run anymore, If I do I will risk more than myself, I will risk losing my
family, my friends, my life and may be those some things that I have valued
more than life, I will lose myself to it. I cannot run anymore I have to face
him, face to face, I should look him in the eye and end this once and for all,
otherwise I will lose it all, I will lose everything.
I shall not speak about it again,
But I should talk now, if have to never speak of it again, else the devil will
come back to haunt me again, it won’t heed till I pay for my insolence. I
should face my fate and write my history myself, even if it means that it all ends with a full
stop or if there is something left to it, then with that, But I should do it and I should do it now.