This is difficult
to write about, the words that once gave my ideas and I life are no longer
there, they have deserted me. They have deserted me in this abominable hell.
How I can ever get myself to tell aloud how I feel is beyond me. There is a
gaping hole at the way center of my existence, a mammoth all consuming nagging
hole. It fills me with anguish to tell that I myself do not understand it very
well, not from the lack of trying though. I have had driven myself insane just
to find what and why of it. But the ominous feeling of its presence just fill
me, it suffocates and strangles me. The dark black abyss that fills me.
It seems to me that
I must have ran into a midlife crisis at the age of twenty something that’s the
only conclusion I can come up with. The fact of the matter is that I feel stagnation
all around me, a lurking feeling that takes over in times of quiet
contemplation. The reason for the stagnation itself is a lien to me my logical
mind has verified debated and crossed off most of the things that I thought
would be the reason. Somewhere deep down I know that reason but it eludes me
like a ghastly shadow.
Who can I turn to
in times of such peril? No one will understand me; no one will care to listen. None
can get themselves to the placed in my shoes and none can stand where I stand
and stare into the blinding darkness of that the abyss that I state into. No
one can hold my hand and no one can stand silently by my side as I unravel the
secret of this deep disturbance of my inner equilibrium. I have many good
friends but none of them posses neither the deep wisdom nor the complexity of
thought to save my soul. They are normal material human beings of this plastic
world, neither religious visionaries nor spiritual leaders whose vision spans
the while of this cosmos. Maybe that is what I see, a spiritual awakening, a
spiritual guidance. I do not know yet but the puzzle must most certainly be
solved.
Or maybe it's just
nothing, maybe it's something or maybe I’m just bored with it all. Mind you
that also does haunt me. I promise myself many a things and many of them are
still in pending maybe all I need is a nice, quiet vacation and put some
distance between me and my existence, just magically transported to another
world, to an escape from my monotonous reality. May be that's all I need.
